the thing about now.

Um, I've been away from Blogger (as long as I previously guessed!) so long that the format has changed and left me completely bewildered. Please excuse me while I attempt to blog while simultaneously trying to figure my way around the new layout.

SO.

It has been two months or so, and I'm not sad about that. If you're here hoping for pictures, ah, you may be a bit disappointed! At the beginning of the year, I decided before school started to step away from some of the social media in my life. I really had cut back already on my Facebook time, and was thinking about doing away with it all together. I didn't, but I DID decide to completely let blogging go. It wasn't immediate and it wasn't necessarily easy, but I did give it up. I realized that I was spending too much of my time being preoccupied with what people I didn't know were doing. I was more worried about what they were buying/wearing/crafting than I should have been and after weighing the Facebook vs. Blogging options, I chose the latter. I am, as I have said, not a bit upset with my decision. However, if you have felt slighted because I haven't commented on your blog in about four or five months, then I'm sorry, and that's why. I haven't read any blogs, I haven't commented, I haven't followed. It has been a big relief. And while I'm being honest, I'm very, very glad I didn't shut down my Facebook, but we'll get to why in a little bit. But, if I say I'm glad I stepped away, I'm glad because of what I was able to do, what I was able to focus on and what I subsequently accomplished:

I'm damn proud of that. 

I feel like I've undergone a tremendous change this semester. Now that the semester is over, I feel like I can say that with some confidence. I gained an idol this semester. I haven't ever really said someone was my "idol," because I feel like that's a pretty heavy thing, that term has weight to it for me. I'm not going to call a random actress who dresses well my idol. But now, I have one, someone who has changed who I am as a writer and person in the process. He's amazing. He's one of my professors and because of my interaction with him, I'm planning on applying for graduate school next summer. I mean, come on. This from the girl whose attitude was "just get it done." Now, I want to keep learning, I want him to keep teaching me. He's just the most intelligent person I've ever encountered. The big thing he taught me this semester was about self censorship. He was lecturing on the great creative  non-fiction writers and how they're controversial (see: Thoreau) and say things people don't like to hear. He suggested the reason that so many people are decent writers but not great (if there is natural talent, of course) ones stems from the fact that they're too busy censoring themselves. From that, we discussed how letting that censorship we force on ourselves out of the niceties of society go completely, to free ourselves from the chains we've wrapped around our legs, will allow us to grow as writers. And I've attempted to do just that this semester. My writing has improved. It has changed and grown and become something I didn't really think I was capable of. I cannot begin to say that I've completely let go of my censorship, but I'm trying really hard to continue moving along the path he has set for me, the one I've begun to create for myself, and I'm feeling wonderful about that. It also means that I enjoy my opinion a lot more, which means a lot of people feel the opposite. It is what it is. That is what gives me my identity, that is what allows my writing to move people. And I mean that in the rhetorical sense.

Secondly (thirdly?). This is something completely humbling to me. I began praying about a month or so ago for a friend. Doesn't that sound completely pathetic? I started praying for a particular kind of friend. A very specific kind. I began praying for someone who understood me, who was completely my own and someone who could relate to me a little better. I was feeling alone. My best friends don't live in the Houston area and when I wanted a hug from someone like that, they weren't there. Through no fault of their own, let me say. So I prayed and prayed. I didn't really get a response, so I thought. I was disappointed and frustrated so the night before my final exam, I think I'd finally given up. My prayer was something along the lines of "Alright, I get it. That person's not supposed to be in my life. I'll work on accepting that and stop trying so hard." The next day, I didn't feel better, but resigned. Satisfied, almost. I was in a hotel that day, so after my final, I got breakfast and headed back to my hotel room. I moved slowly but still, they wanted my room back before I was ready (due) to check out. So I cleared out about 11:30 and headed to Target to waste time. I wasted more than I had planned because I was planning on turning in my final paper to the aforementioned brilliant teacher at 12:30. I ran a little late. I had to park further away than I had planned. Things were NOT going my way. I slipped into the classroom with my work (and a thank-you bundt cake!) at around 1. I chatted with the big H-i-m for a little bit and then bade him a happy year off and headed back to my car. As I turned the corner onto University, I ran into a friend. My first friend I made at A&M, when we were both fresh out of high school Aerospace Engineering majors (Yes, I did that for a reason: read, we're both smart). We talked for an hour and a half. Like we hadn't missed a beat (which we certainly had). It was perfect. I had to go up to College Station for a meeting on Thursday last and he met me for lunch and we spent four hours just laughing. It wasn't until a little later that I realized. THERE was the answer to my prayer. I had been expecting a girl, a fellow mom maybe, but someone a little more what I had been used to. Instead, I got just what I had asked for and just what I needed. My friend is someone who understands what it's like to be 26/7 in a classroom full of people born in the 90's, he's someone who understands things like that- things that literally nobody else I know really understands. I'm so relieved and so happy that we've reconnected and that we have such a genuine friendship. I also appreciate that I don't have to watch my Big XII talk, my language or my snark around him. That's nice too. It's helped that I didn't shut down my Facebook, because we've both been aware of what's been going on with the other all along. Oh, the way things work out. The serendipity of it all. I think it's all together, rather poetic and beautiful. Of course, things aren't perfect because his new job (he graduated!) is in Dallas, but I know we'll see each other and talk in between times. I know that with certainty and it's really been nice. It's also not a friendship I expect most people to really understand or relate to: I've always gotten along better with boys than girls, but I also don't feel the need to justify or explain myself. Which just makes it a lot better. Also? I know my spouse would like him a lot, which just makes it even better. Thank God for supportive husbands and old friends.

Things are remarkable right now. I'm really happy, I'm very content and feeling fulfilled by what I've accomplished this semester. I'm looking forward to school starting back for me on the 29th. I've been bored since the semester ended, I don't really know what to do with myself when I'm not working. I've also got my symposium on the horizon and a 3rd birthday party to plan. I also plan on wiggling in a getaway for myself to Dallas to see some of my most beloved friends before the fall semester starts at the end of August, as well as a trip to see family and introduce Liam to his only remaining "set" of Great Grandparents. What more do you need? I'm thrilled, excited, in a really, really good place. 2012 is definitely turning into the year for me. I can only hope it keeps up this pace, I'm absolutely high on life right now!

checking in.

Well, my hiatus from blogging lasted a lot longer than I had initially thought.

There have been big, big, BIG changes for our family since I last sat at my computer to share anything with you all. Quickly, here are a few things that have kept us on our toes:

• Z changed jobs at Christmastime! 
• I started school!
• L has transitioned from mommy 24/7 to his grandmothers twice a week. 
• Stig is over 6 months old and about 65 pounds if I'd wager a guess.
• We've all battled a sickness I brought home.
• My dad's been away multiple times for many weeks on end. 
• My FIL suffered a new injury and is still undergoing chemotherapy.
• Z joined handbells at Church & started Bible study
• LENT: we've given up ALL fast-food and started exercising daily.

In addition, there have been a multitude of other "that's just life" occurrences that have kept us occupied over the last three months.

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In all honesty, I am not sure I will ever enter back into blogging the way I had before. I really did enjoy my time away, and I liked not having to worry about taking pictures of things because I had to blog them. Lightening up in that way has really allowed me to enjoy myself, put myself in the moment, and let things happen without my being so worried about posing and capturing this and that. Having said that, I never upload the pictures from my camera to my computer anymore, and I still haven't loaded all the Christmas ones. I might not have even picked up my camera in over two and a half months.

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As far as everything else goes?

Yes, Z is very happy in his new job. He is working with three other veterinarians at a high volume clinic that keeps him busy. His boss is an absolute dream and I have threatened on more than one occasion to kiss her on the mouth when we meet for the first time. Z misses some of his friends from the old clinic, but this move has really been for the best. He is a dedicated, enthusiastic practitioner and I'm happy to see him in a clinic where he feels that he is being put to the best use. We're all thankful for his new job and his great reputation in the vet community that allowed the move to be quick and easy. 

L has transitioned well into his new day-care style routine. He stays with my mom on Tuesdays and my MIL on Thursdays. We are a very blessed family in that we all truly love one another. I share news with my in-laws as quickly as I share it with my parents and I cannot even begin to gush enough about what a great treat it is to have all four of our parents so involved in our son's life. He loves, loves his grandparents and even is building a relationship with Z's grandmother that makes me so happy. Grandmother Dorothy is the sweetest woman on the planet and she truly adores her great-grandsons. We're glad L is able to have a relationship with her. 

-- as far as changes in my toddler: we're about to start potty training. I believe his involvement at school has been instrumental as he is now much more conscious of the "pee-pee potty" concept. He also is becoming more adept with the English language, we've found he doesn't really attempt words unless he can pronounce them adequately and enjoys putting sentences together. He is constantly asking to go to "Nanny and Papa's house" and he tells us with almost a timed precision that he "loves choo-choo trains." We're all very proud of him, he's showing great signs and his great-grandmother on my side and his grandmother, both highly educated educators (yes, dissect that sentence), are very impressed by his ability to recite the alphabet without having to sing it. I don't really know what this indicates, but I'm proud of the little guy. 

Now. To be utterly selfish, onto myself! I had major reservations about going back to college. I wasn't very excited when the start date drew near, but after two weeks I was completely enamored. I'm currently "on" Spring Break and even confessed to my mother yesterday that I really would rather go to class next week than take the time off. I hope it doesn't come across as haughty when I say I'm succeeding beyond my wildest expectations and am so extraordinarily happy with the feedback I'm getting. The former department head, a very renowned rhetorician, my current Rhetorical Theory professor, has completely changed the way I think and look at things when I'm writing and I can feel myself growing as a writer. My Caribbean Literature Senior Seminar professor, a founding co-editor of a renowned Caribbean literature publication, has encouraged me to look into Graduate studies and has invited me to take part in a Caribbean Literature Symposium this summer. This is a tremendous honor for an undergraduate student and I am thrilled to be a part of it. I am also taking Arthurian Literature and my professor in there is so intelligent, so learned in her field that it's almost scary. I have learned more in this semester than I feel I ever have before. 

In addition to learning about "Book A" and "Journal Article 3894," I have learned so much about myself these past few months. My Caribbean class in particular is very involved with understanding self-acceptance, self validation, interior versus exterior affirmation and the importance of self versus community and discussing these topics, dissecting them, has allowed me to really scrutinize myself. When I said in December I wasn't happy with my blog, I think the larger issue at hand was I wasn't happy within my own skin. I've made some pretty drastic changes, removed some lamentable entities from my life and am coming down much happier in the end. Knowing that I have the respect of my professors and my peers has really made me understand what I want to work for and where I need to be to be happy. Having said that, I'm very lucky to have a handful of very good, understating and patient friends who have been tremendously supportive and have celebrated my successes with me these past few months, making me feel like my decisions I've made recently have been absolutely on point. It's nice to know that whatever casualties there are in my personal life along the way, I have the support of my family and a few very precious friends who will still be there when I'm where I want to be.

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Well, that is really all I want to say for now. I find that I don't enjoy sitting down to write about "us" and "me" very much. This used to be my one space where I was sharing my writing publicly, but now that I have professors reading my work multiple times a week, I find that to be enough to satiate my need to have my writing "out there." As a matter of fact, while my toddler is occupied with my iPhone, I think I'll indulge a little and work on a couple of papers and reading assignments I have over break. I don't know what has changed for me, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's a drive to set an example for my son that I can be proud of, but I'm definitely a much better student now than I was before. I WANT to read, I WANT to do my work and I want to be in class every single day. It's really remarkable. And to be frank? I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of L and I'm proud of Z. 2012 has turned out to be the year that our family betters itself and I'm really looking forward to what the rest of the year has to offer. 

I'll check back in... but I can't promise it'll be before school lets out in May. Priorities and all that. Maybe next time, I'll even post pictures! If you're interested in the meantime, I do tweet with disgusting regularity. I even post pictures so you can see just how much my toddler has changed, or catch a glimpse of my new life as old-lady college student. You can find me HERE. 

a tailgate thanksgiving.

 Ah.

Hello blog. How ya been? 

Let's get right into it, shall we?

This past Thanksgiving, we opted OUT of the traditional sit-down at home dinner in lieu of tailgating in Aggieland before the last tu game for Dodds God knows how long. Whatever. Don't get me started.

Of course we won't discuss the OUTCOME of the game...

{and by WE, I totally mean commenters, cha?}

So. We bought a fancy plastic table cloth and set up in the parking lot, in OUR spot, under the tent and enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal my mom miraculously cooked the day before/of and managed to get all the way to CS warm and tasty. 

 We all even looked cute and festive, so Dad decided to try and get a decent picture...

But of course, Liam had other ideas. 

Some of our absolute FAVORITE people in the whole world, the Williamsons, dropped by and that made us super happy. They live in our neighborhood, no more than 1 minute away by car. It's awesome. Christine and I have known each other since our brothers were kids in elementary school together, so probably since 1995 or so? That's a long damn time, yo.

They're too damn cute.

My dad, hubs and I headed into the stadium around 6:00 (to ensure we got to see the corps, and the senior day stuff) as the sun was headed down. I love being in Aggieland. OH SO MUCH.

Kinda awesome to know that XII will never be there again. 

In my mind, the picture below totally has a soundtrack. 

NOBLE MEN OF KYLE.

It rocks my face off.

Corps March-in.

Student section.

I can TOTALLY sit over there next year. As we welcome some of the BEST TEAMS in the country to Kyle. Oh yeah. 

The students again. 

Now. WE MAY NOT have had the larger number on the scoreboard when regulation time was over. 

BUT. BUT. BUT.

We ALWAYS win HALFTIME.

You may want to check out the band's performance, looking in particular for the Four-Way, which they do once a year, and is the signature big !!! move for them. It occurs at around 3:00 in -- they're setting it up at 3 minutes, it's amazing. I wish I could video so much better, wish I'd had an actual video camera instead of my little point and shoot. Apologies for the commentary by myself, my spouse, my dad and our neighbors.

my sahm syndrome

I'm in my last days as a StayAtHomeMom. I say this because come January, I'll be enrolled as a student at the most wonderful University on the planet. So my days are going to be busier, my Tuesdays and Thursdays (and possibly Mondays) are going to be spent in a city an hour and a half away from home.

Part of me is terrified. I know on Tuesdays Liam will have his daddy to take care of him, and on Thursdays he'll have my mom, but it still makes me nervous to be so far away from him with that much regularity. What if he's sick and needs me? What if something happens at school and I'm not able to be reached immediately? I've always had a hard time not being with Liam at all times. I was extremely possessive of him as a newborn and when anyone else would hold him and he'd cry I'd get agitated to the point where my heart would race, my palms would sweat and I could feel a panic attack coming on. It wasn't pretty, but I needed my baby and he needed me. Things have since gotten better, obviously, because Liam is becoming so much more independent, but it still makes me a little panicky to think that I'm going to be busy with something that'll take my attention away from him to such an extent.

Part of what troubles me is that I have friends who don't have children, who have jobs, and they can't see where I'm going to be busy, where going back to school is going to add any stress to my life. I had one friend ask me why it's taken me so long to get much accomplished with my current writing project since I "don't work and don't have anything to do all day." Not only does that attitude make me stabby, but I think it's a little... inconsiderate? I mean, sure with two incomes coming into a household, you can afford a new car, or a maid, or a yard service. With one income and an immense amount of student loans? I AM the maid. I AM the cook. I AM everything. And I don't mind. I don't need a maid, my mom never did, why should I (not going to lie, I'll probably be begging for a maid come February when I'm elbows deep in reading and writing assignments with housework also on my to-do list)? But contrary to what a lot of people seem to think about a SAHM, it isn't just sitting around all day.

I don't need to tell most of you that, and I'm sure a lot of you have faced similar attitudes, but I resent the attitude that SAHMs stay at home because they're lazy and don't want to work. It's an uninformed opinion, and anyone who's stayed home with a child knows that, but I don't like the judgement that comes from it. Part of what irritates me is when I tell people I'm going back to school, people immediately ask me what job I'm going to try and get with my degree when I'm done. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Or what I want to do. I don't think, unless something amazing comes along, that I'll pursue anything until Liam is in school 5 days a week. I don't want him in daycare. I want him in preschool and at home. In the grand scheme of things, the time you have with your child where they're NOT busy all the time is very short, and to me, I think it's very precious, so I want to be with him.

I feel a little off topic. The change that's coming OH SO SHORTLY has me a little intimidated as well. I have really enjoyed my time with Liam. I enjoy picking him up from school. And I'm getting down to only a couple more days left of doing that. I mean, we've got this week of school, none next week, and a couple of weeks in December. Then? I'm done. I won't take him. I won't pick him up. I won't have anyone to talk to in the car. Maybe I'm hormonal, because on any given day when people ask me what I'm most looking forward to about going back to school, I quickly reply with "the drive, I can't wait to drive in my car, by myself, with my music as loud as I want it, playing whatever I want." I know. You're judging me. But At the same time, I'm pretty sure once April rolls around, I'll be way over that.

To cut a long story short, and I could go on if you wish, I'm sad to see my every-days at home with Liam coming to an end. I'm a mommy who drops everything if her child comes up and wants to be held, or climbs into my lap for a cuddle. But, I am also thinking that my Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at home with Liam will be all the more enjoyable.

I'm not only giving up days with my son to go back to school, I'm giving up my day with my spouse. His Tuesdays off are a treat. We go out to lunch as a family a lot, we grocery shop together... I won't be here. And that kind of sucks. But. The SOONER I'm done, the SOONER I'm back with my family 24/7. So bring it on, Department of English at  the College of Liberal Arts at Texas A&M University. I'm ready.

And you better know, the epic pictures I'm going to post when I graduate will make you want to punch me in the face. You've been warned. Because Liam will be looking spiffy!

toddler tuesday: tailgating tot.

Oh, hi Tuesday. 

There you are. 

So. Liam has discovered something wonderful in his little toddler life. 

TAILGATING.

Oh yes. Since football season started we've tailgated twice-- once this past Saturday, and once two weeks before. SADLY, he needs his own ticket to get into the game, so he's been hanging in the parking lot. We have 4 season tickets between the six adults and Liam, so there's always someone to hang out with him (the grandmas, thus far). 

To keep him occupied, we've brought a lot of fun things for Liam to play with- his bubble Mater, fans, bubbles, markers... 

He thinks tailgating in Aggieland is pretty much awesome. 

We're so glad Liam's Godfather, Uncle Cory, was able to come to town to go to the game with us this past weekend, SO MUCH FUN!!

sweet home college station

In case you hadn't gathered, we left our home Friday afternoon (after much Royal Wedding viewing) for College Station, TX.

Zach was attending a Feline Medicine Symposium at A&M's Vet School, and Liam and I tagged along. I was much more relaxed going along on THIS CE, as opposed to Port A last year, because I'm super-duper comfortable running and gunning by myself in CS. I lived there for a long time. 

We arrived and checked in at our hotel (which was pretty nice!) and then headed straight to Northgate for lunch/dinner. We spent many, many, many an hour at La Bodega when we were residents of the CSTX, and we miss it so much! Despite the fact that it wasn't even 5 o'clock, we both ordered MexMarts, and enjoyed ourselves completely. 

We parted ways at Bodega, Zach headed to the school for the first 3 hours of the Symposium and Liam and I ran around. We went to Toys R Us (the CS TRU is still laid out like they were when we were kids- you know, the big long parallel aisles, and it's just a great store), where Liam spent the rest of a gift card he had on a Perry the Platypus eye-bugger. Then we headed over to Post Oak Mall for some shopping at Aggieland Outfitters, where I was shocked to have to purchase a YOUTH sized hat for my Toddler... he's got a big 'ole head.

We drove by our old house so Liam could see... sadly, the little yellow shack (yeah, it's not that nice) looked uninhabited, but the roses my FIL and I planted were still in the front yard!

Since I'd gotten up at 4:30 and was beyond exhausted, we headed back to the hotel, and got ready for bed early.

Liam decided NOT to sleep that night, finally passing out in the bed with us at 4:45 in the morning. It was horrendous. We were all so tired when morning rolled around.

Zach had to be back at the Vet School at 8, so Liam and I were lazy in the hotel. We finally left so the maids could clean. We ran by our credit union's main branch, strolled around Target and just meandered through CS. We headed back to Northgate to meet Zach for lunch at the "original" Freebirds. 

Details: The Santa Barbara location is technically the 'first' Freebirds, but they didn't start out selling burritos in the style Freebirds is now known for. When the location on NG opened, they started the burrito building, and Santa Barbara followed. So technically, the first Freebirds as Freebirds IS, is the location on NG. 

While we were waiting for Zach, Liam discovered Bottle Cap Alley, and fell in love. I really do think this was his favorite thing we did all weekend. We walked up and down that strip of alley more times on Saturday than I ever did when I was living in CS. That was hard work so we had to stop for a cookie and water break on the back patio before Zach was able to meet us. Liam was a happy little bugger.

After lunch, I thought about where to take Liam and what to do. I didn't really want to take him onto campus because finals are next week, and I didn't want him running around and screaming when the students are probably (hopefully) getting ready for finals insanity. 

So, we headed out to the George Bush Library. 

I'd never actually been before (except to take an exam at the School of Government building) and a very nice guy at the counter gave Liam and I free tickets to go through the museum. 

(people are nice like that in College Station.)

Liam wasn't thrilled I insisted on taking his picture in front of the Horse/Berlin Wall statue, but I couldn't resist. I just love it. 

After running around outside, we headed out to Maggie Moo's on Rock Prairie for some ice cream to take back to the hotel room. I was hoping for a nap for both mommy and babe, but instead we sat on the couch and watched TV greatness and enjoyed our ice cream:

Dinner was special and fun that night. We met Zach's Aunt and Uncle (Uncle Norm is a professor/Ph.D student at A&M in Industrial Distribution) at Fish Daddy's for dinner. Norm is my FIL's older brother and is an A&M graduate a few times over himself. Liam had too much fun with his Aunt Loueva afterwards, running around outside and having her chase him.

(it was also BHS prom night & Ring Dance night. SO many ladies in lovely/skanky dresses!)

We got back to the room around 9:45 and Liam and I were in bed by 10:15. Thank Lord he actually fell right asleep and slept all night, until 8:30!!

After a good night's sleep... 

Zach had ONE MORE morning of lectures, and after he got back at 11, we packed up and headed to lunch.

We decided to try Chuy's. Neither Zach nor I had ever been before, and we figured we'd give it a try in CS where the crowds weren't going to be OUTRAGEOUS so that we knew whether or not it'd be worth it to fight for a table in Katy when that location eventually opens. 

It was a big, big, big hit with all 3 of us. Liam actually ate ALL of his lunch. Not a speck of his burrito was left.

We had a wonderful time in College Station, and are really looking forward to spending a lot of time up there this football season (hellooooooo season tickets!!).