the thing about now.

Um, I've been away from Blogger (as long as I previously guessed!) so long that the format has changed and left me completely bewildered. Please excuse me while I attempt to blog while simultaneously trying to figure my way around the new layout.

SO.

It has been two months or so, and I'm not sad about that. If you're here hoping for pictures, ah, you may be a bit disappointed! At the beginning of the year, I decided before school started to step away from some of the social media in my life. I really had cut back already on my Facebook time, and was thinking about doing away with it all together. I didn't, but I DID decide to completely let blogging go. It wasn't immediate and it wasn't necessarily easy, but I did give it up. I realized that I was spending too much of my time being preoccupied with what people I didn't know were doing. I was more worried about what they were buying/wearing/crafting than I should have been and after weighing the Facebook vs. Blogging options, I chose the latter. I am, as I have said, not a bit upset with my decision. However, if you have felt slighted because I haven't commented on your blog in about four or five months, then I'm sorry, and that's why. I haven't read any blogs, I haven't commented, I haven't followed. It has been a big relief. And while I'm being honest, I'm very, very glad I didn't shut down my Facebook, but we'll get to why in a little bit. But, if I say I'm glad I stepped away, I'm glad because of what I was able to do, what I was able to focus on and what I subsequently accomplished:

I'm damn proud of that. 

I feel like I've undergone a tremendous change this semester. Now that the semester is over, I feel like I can say that with some confidence. I gained an idol this semester. I haven't ever really said someone was my "idol," because I feel like that's a pretty heavy thing, that term has weight to it for me. I'm not going to call a random actress who dresses well my idol. But now, I have one, someone who has changed who I am as a writer and person in the process. He's amazing. He's one of my professors and because of my interaction with him, I'm planning on applying for graduate school next summer. I mean, come on. This from the girl whose attitude was "just get it done." Now, I want to keep learning, I want him to keep teaching me. He's just the most intelligent person I've ever encountered. The big thing he taught me this semester was about self censorship. He was lecturing on the great creative  non-fiction writers and how they're controversial (see: Thoreau) and say things people don't like to hear. He suggested the reason that so many people are decent writers but not great (if there is natural talent, of course) ones stems from the fact that they're too busy censoring themselves. From that, we discussed how letting that censorship we force on ourselves out of the niceties of society go completely, to free ourselves from the chains we've wrapped around our legs, will allow us to grow as writers. And I've attempted to do just that this semester. My writing has improved. It has changed and grown and become something I didn't really think I was capable of. I cannot begin to say that I've completely let go of my censorship, but I'm trying really hard to continue moving along the path he has set for me, the one I've begun to create for myself, and I'm feeling wonderful about that. It also means that I enjoy my opinion a lot more, which means a lot of people feel the opposite. It is what it is. That is what gives me my identity, that is what allows my writing to move people. And I mean that in the rhetorical sense.

Secondly (thirdly?). This is something completely humbling to me. I began praying about a month or so ago for a friend. Doesn't that sound completely pathetic? I started praying for a particular kind of friend. A very specific kind. I began praying for someone who understood me, who was completely my own and someone who could relate to me a little better. I was feeling alone. My best friends don't live in the Houston area and when I wanted a hug from someone like that, they weren't there. Through no fault of their own, let me say. So I prayed and prayed. I didn't really get a response, so I thought. I was disappointed and frustrated so the night before my final exam, I think I'd finally given up. My prayer was something along the lines of "Alright, I get it. That person's not supposed to be in my life. I'll work on accepting that and stop trying so hard." The next day, I didn't feel better, but resigned. Satisfied, almost. I was in a hotel that day, so after my final, I got breakfast and headed back to my hotel room. I moved slowly but still, they wanted my room back before I was ready (due) to check out. So I cleared out about 11:30 and headed to Target to waste time. I wasted more than I had planned because I was planning on turning in my final paper to the aforementioned brilliant teacher at 12:30. I ran a little late. I had to park further away than I had planned. Things were NOT going my way. I slipped into the classroom with my work (and a thank-you bundt cake!) at around 1. I chatted with the big H-i-m for a little bit and then bade him a happy year off and headed back to my car. As I turned the corner onto University, I ran into a friend. My first friend I made at A&M, when we were both fresh out of high school Aerospace Engineering majors (Yes, I did that for a reason: read, we're both smart). We talked for an hour and a half. Like we hadn't missed a beat (which we certainly had). It was perfect. I had to go up to College Station for a meeting on Thursday last and he met me for lunch and we spent four hours just laughing. It wasn't until a little later that I realized. THERE was the answer to my prayer. I had been expecting a girl, a fellow mom maybe, but someone a little more what I had been used to. Instead, I got just what I had asked for and just what I needed. My friend is someone who understands what it's like to be 26/7 in a classroom full of people born in the 90's, he's someone who understands things like that- things that literally nobody else I know really understands. I'm so relieved and so happy that we've reconnected and that we have such a genuine friendship. I also appreciate that I don't have to watch my Big XII talk, my language or my snark around him. That's nice too. It's helped that I didn't shut down my Facebook, because we've both been aware of what's been going on with the other all along. Oh, the way things work out. The serendipity of it all. I think it's all together, rather poetic and beautiful. Of course, things aren't perfect because his new job (he graduated!) is in Dallas, but I know we'll see each other and talk in between times. I know that with certainty and it's really been nice. It's also not a friendship I expect most people to really understand or relate to: I've always gotten along better with boys than girls, but I also don't feel the need to justify or explain myself. Which just makes it a lot better. Also? I know my spouse would like him a lot, which just makes it even better. Thank God for supportive husbands and old friends.

Things are remarkable right now. I'm really happy, I'm very content and feeling fulfilled by what I've accomplished this semester. I'm looking forward to school starting back for me on the 29th. I've been bored since the semester ended, I don't really know what to do with myself when I'm not working. I've also got my symposium on the horizon and a 3rd birthday party to plan. I also plan on wiggling in a getaway for myself to Dallas to see some of my most beloved friends before the fall semester starts at the end of August, as well as a trip to see family and introduce Liam to his only remaining "set" of Great Grandparents. What more do you need? I'm thrilled, excited, in a really, really good place. 2012 is definitely turning into the year for me. I can only hope it keeps up this pace, I'm absolutely high on life right now!

checking in.

Well, my hiatus from blogging lasted a lot longer than I had initially thought.

There have been big, big, BIG changes for our family since I last sat at my computer to share anything with you all. Quickly, here are a few things that have kept us on our toes:

• Z changed jobs at Christmastime! 
• I started school!
• L has transitioned from mommy 24/7 to his grandmothers twice a week. 
• Stig is over 6 months old and about 65 pounds if I'd wager a guess.
• We've all battled a sickness I brought home.
• My dad's been away multiple times for many weeks on end. 
• My FIL suffered a new injury and is still undergoing chemotherapy.
• Z joined handbells at Church & started Bible study
• LENT: we've given up ALL fast-food and started exercising daily.

In addition, there have been a multitude of other "that's just life" occurrences that have kept us occupied over the last three months.

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In all honesty, I am not sure I will ever enter back into blogging the way I had before. I really did enjoy my time away, and I liked not having to worry about taking pictures of things because I had to blog them. Lightening up in that way has really allowed me to enjoy myself, put myself in the moment, and let things happen without my being so worried about posing and capturing this and that. Having said that, I never upload the pictures from my camera to my computer anymore, and I still haven't loaded all the Christmas ones. I might not have even picked up my camera in over two and a half months.

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As far as everything else goes?

Yes, Z is very happy in his new job. He is working with three other veterinarians at a high volume clinic that keeps him busy. His boss is an absolute dream and I have threatened on more than one occasion to kiss her on the mouth when we meet for the first time. Z misses some of his friends from the old clinic, but this move has really been for the best. He is a dedicated, enthusiastic practitioner and I'm happy to see him in a clinic where he feels that he is being put to the best use. We're all thankful for his new job and his great reputation in the vet community that allowed the move to be quick and easy. 

L has transitioned well into his new day-care style routine. He stays with my mom on Tuesdays and my MIL on Thursdays. We are a very blessed family in that we all truly love one another. I share news with my in-laws as quickly as I share it with my parents and I cannot even begin to gush enough about what a great treat it is to have all four of our parents so involved in our son's life. He loves, loves his grandparents and even is building a relationship with Z's grandmother that makes me so happy. Grandmother Dorothy is the sweetest woman on the planet and she truly adores her great-grandsons. We're glad L is able to have a relationship with her. 

-- as far as changes in my toddler: we're about to start potty training. I believe his involvement at school has been instrumental as he is now much more conscious of the "pee-pee potty" concept. He also is becoming more adept with the English language, we've found he doesn't really attempt words unless he can pronounce them adequately and enjoys putting sentences together. He is constantly asking to go to "Nanny and Papa's house" and he tells us with almost a timed precision that he "loves choo-choo trains." We're all very proud of him, he's showing great signs and his great-grandmother on my side and his grandmother, both highly educated educators (yes, dissect that sentence), are very impressed by his ability to recite the alphabet without having to sing it. I don't really know what this indicates, but I'm proud of the little guy. 

Now. To be utterly selfish, onto myself! I had major reservations about going back to college. I wasn't very excited when the start date drew near, but after two weeks I was completely enamored. I'm currently "on" Spring Break and even confessed to my mother yesterday that I really would rather go to class next week than take the time off. I hope it doesn't come across as haughty when I say I'm succeeding beyond my wildest expectations and am so extraordinarily happy with the feedback I'm getting. The former department head, a very renowned rhetorician, my current Rhetorical Theory professor, has completely changed the way I think and look at things when I'm writing and I can feel myself growing as a writer. My Caribbean Literature Senior Seminar professor, a founding co-editor of a renowned Caribbean literature publication, has encouraged me to look into Graduate studies and has invited me to take part in a Caribbean Literature Symposium this summer. This is a tremendous honor for an undergraduate student and I am thrilled to be a part of it. I am also taking Arthurian Literature and my professor in there is so intelligent, so learned in her field that it's almost scary. I have learned more in this semester than I feel I ever have before. 

In addition to learning about "Book A" and "Journal Article 3894," I have learned so much about myself these past few months. My Caribbean class in particular is very involved with understanding self-acceptance, self validation, interior versus exterior affirmation and the importance of self versus community and discussing these topics, dissecting them, has allowed me to really scrutinize myself. When I said in December I wasn't happy with my blog, I think the larger issue at hand was I wasn't happy within my own skin. I've made some pretty drastic changes, removed some lamentable entities from my life and am coming down much happier in the end. Knowing that I have the respect of my professors and my peers has really made me understand what I want to work for and where I need to be to be happy. Having said that, I'm very lucky to have a handful of very good, understating and patient friends who have been tremendously supportive and have celebrated my successes with me these past few months, making me feel like my decisions I've made recently have been absolutely on point. It's nice to know that whatever casualties there are in my personal life along the way, I have the support of my family and a few very precious friends who will still be there when I'm where I want to be.

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Well, that is really all I want to say for now. I find that I don't enjoy sitting down to write about "us" and "me" very much. This used to be my one space where I was sharing my writing publicly, but now that I have professors reading my work multiple times a week, I find that to be enough to satiate my need to have my writing "out there." As a matter of fact, while my toddler is occupied with my iPhone, I think I'll indulge a little and work on a couple of papers and reading assignments I have over break. I don't know what has changed for me, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's a drive to set an example for my son that I can be proud of, but I'm definitely a much better student now than I was before. I WANT to read, I WANT to do my work and I want to be in class every single day. It's really remarkable. And to be frank? I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of L and I'm proud of Z. 2012 has turned out to be the year that our family betters itself and I'm really looking forward to what the rest of the year has to offer. 

I'll check back in... but I can't promise it'll be before school lets out in May. Priorities and all that. Maybe next time, I'll even post pictures! If you're interested in the meantime, I do tweet with disgusting regularity. I even post pictures so you can see just how much my toddler has changed, or catch a glimpse of my new life as old-lady college student. You can find me HERE. 

for us.

So.

I've been unhappy with my blog for a while.

I tried to instigate some changes back at the beginning of the summer to garner more interest in my webpage, and to keep myself interested in blogging. BUT.

BIG BUT.

I don't care. I mean, I don't want to do features. I really don't. So you can all pretty much assume that Pinnable Me is gone unless I bring it back on occasion to share things I'm working on. I don't want to be a blog that has no identity. I started this blog to keep my family updated on our family and that's the long and short of it. I don't want to blog about shit other people are finding on the internet, or about how mean people are to other people, or things I think you should be doing. I want to post about my family.

And I didn't realize how little I'd posted about my family until I came across the 3 Peanuts blog. I am completely in love with this blog. The mom, Kim, is just simply an amazing mother. She doesn't post about what SHE does to make everything so wonderful FOR her children, she posts about how amazing her children are. And you can tell, her children are wonderful, amazing, giving, loving people because of who she and her husband are and how they're being raised. THIS is the standard I want to live up to. This is a beautiful blog, full of memories and beautiful pictures, a family that shares love and laughter and you can tell in every single thing she posts. Also, if ever there was a child that makes me want to adopt, it's their precious girl, Kate.


SO.

I'm taking some time off. I'm going to focus on what I want to focus on in the future. And if you want to unfollow, I'm fine with that. Because when I look back at my posts this summer, I'm disgusted. I don't want to post about that. I completely missed out on blogging about the things I did with my child this summer, the fun backyard things we did, the games we played. I was trying too hard to make people want to read my blog.  I don't want to be a turbo-mommy blogger. I'm not that person. I don't need to show you how hard I try, or how wonderful I am, because what will define me in the future is not ME, it's the impression I leave on my child, the people I love, my nearest and dearest friends.

And for right now, I'm really okay with this decision. Blogging has become something that I see as a task, not as enjoyable hobby. We've got an awful lot on our plates right now. And when I say an awful lot, I mean an AWFUL lot. Which, when the time comes, will all be talked about. But right now, I just want to step away and spend the rest of December not blogging. I hope to be back with a vengeance in January, revived, and with a whole new direction for myself and this blog.

Peace out, peeps. Enjoy the holidays. Love your family. Bid 2011 farewell in whatever manner it deserves.  Personally, I'm thinking a big double-bird in the rearview mirror. More than anything, I hope to see you in 2012.

my sahm syndrome

I'm in my last days as a StayAtHomeMom. I say this because come January, I'll be enrolled as a student at the most wonderful University on the planet. So my days are going to be busier, my Tuesdays and Thursdays (and possibly Mondays) are going to be spent in a city an hour and a half away from home.

Part of me is terrified. I know on Tuesdays Liam will have his daddy to take care of him, and on Thursdays he'll have my mom, but it still makes me nervous to be so far away from him with that much regularity. What if he's sick and needs me? What if something happens at school and I'm not able to be reached immediately? I've always had a hard time not being with Liam at all times. I was extremely possessive of him as a newborn and when anyone else would hold him and he'd cry I'd get agitated to the point where my heart would race, my palms would sweat and I could feel a panic attack coming on. It wasn't pretty, but I needed my baby and he needed me. Things have since gotten better, obviously, because Liam is becoming so much more independent, but it still makes me a little panicky to think that I'm going to be busy with something that'll take my attention away from him to such an extent.

Part of what troubles me is that I have friends who don't have children, who have jobs, and they can't see where I'm going to be busy, where going back to school is going to add any stress to my life. I had one friend ask me why it's taken me so long to get much accomplished with my current writing project since I "don't work and don't have anything to do all day." Not only does that attitude make me stabby, but I think it's a little... inconsiderate? I mean, sure with two incomes coming into a household, you can afford a new car, or a maid, or a yard service. With one income and an immense amount of student loans? I AM the maid. I AM the cook. I AM everything. And I don't mind. I don't need a maid, my mom never did, why should I (not going to lie, I'll probably be begging for a maid come February when I'm elbows deep in reading and writing assignments with housework also on my to-do list)? But contrary to what a lot of people seem to think about a SAHM, it isn't just sitting around all day.

I don't need to tell most of you that, and I'm sure a lot of you have faced similar attitudes, but I resent the attitude that SAHMs stay at home because they're lazy and don't want to work. It's an uninformed opinion, and anyone who's stayed home with a child knows that, but I don't like the judgement that comes from it. Part of what irritates me is when I tell people I'm going back to school, people immediately ask me what job I'm going to try and get with my degree when I'm done. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Or what I want to do. I don't think, unless something amazing comes along, that I'll pursue anything until Liam is in school 5 days a week. I don't want him in daycare. I want him in preschool and at home. In the grand scheme of things, the time you have with your child where they're NOT busy all the time is very short, and to me, I think it's very precious, so I want to be with him.

I feel a little off topic. The change that's coming OH SO SHORTLY has me a little intimidated as well. I have really enjoyed my time with Liam. I enjoy picking him up from school. And I'm getting down to only a couple more days left of doing that. I mean, we've got this week of school, none next week, and a couple of weeks in December. Then? I'm done. I won't take him. I won't pick him up. I won't have anyone to talk to in the car. Maybe I'm hormonal, because on any given day when people ask me what I'm most looking forward to about going back to school, I quickly reply with "the drive, I can't wait to drive in my car, by myself, with my music as loud as I want it, playing whatever I want." I know. You're judging me. But At the same time, I'm pretty sure once April rolls around, I'll be way over that.

To cut a long story short, and I could go on if you wish, I'm sad to see my every-days at home with Liam coming to an end. I'm a mommy who drops everything if her child comes up and wants to be held, or climbs into my lap for a cuddle. But, I am also thinking that my Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at home with Liam will be all the more enjoyable.

I'm not only giving up days with my son to go back to school, I'm giving up my day with my spouse. His Tuesdays off are a treat. We go out to lunch as a family a lot, we grocery shop together... I won't be here. And that kind of sucks. But. The SOONER I'm done, the SOONER I'm back with my family 24/7. So bring it on, Department of English at  the College of Liberal Arts at Texas A&M University. I'm ready.

And you better know, the epic pictures I'm going to post when I graduate will make you want to punch me in the face. You've been warned. Because Liam will be looking spiffy!

the child in me.

I was watching "Funny As Hell" on BBC the other day (night/early morning. whatever) and one of the comedians said something that struck a major chord with me:

"I realized that who you are as a child is who you always are. We get older and we smooth away the edges and make ourselves more palatable to society, but that's who you are."

- Roisin Conaty 

Isn't that... just... yeah? The instant she said it, it really spoke to me. And of course, she turned this complete, honest truth into a funny story about how she was a creepy kid and it comes back as an adult, but truly, this statement made me feel better.

Because I feel like I've been trying hard to be more than I am? Or rather, something I'm not? It makes me feel better, almost makes me feel validated, to hear these thoughts from someone else's lips.

So, if I'm going there, let's be brutally and completely honest. THIS is me:

• I'm a nerd.
• I'm a bookworm.
• I am a goody-goody.
• I am an old soul.
• I am stubborn.
• I am combative.
• I have a massive temper.
• I am not very patient.
• I'm a bit of a prude.
• I'm nice to the point where I'm a doormat. 
• I worry.
• I like being liked. It truly bothers me when people don't like me. 
• I don't want to be "popular."
• I don't like people who play games.
• I don't like people who talk behind my back.
• I abhor people who put words in my mouth.
• I enjoy proving people wrong.
• I like to be the best at *something.*
• I like being a little weird. 
• I enjoy it when people find things about me strange.
• I want to be different.
• I am hyper competitive. 
• I pick a few good friends and don't pursue a lot of casual relationships.
• I get along better with boys than girls.
• I am painfully shy.
• I am an introvert. 
• I bottle things up and don't like to share.
• I tend to explode when I've been pushed too far. 

Writing those things down? Makes ME feel BETTER about ME. Because this is who I was as a child, and this is who I still am. Maybe I've developed a better grip on my temper (my husband is shaking his head, the poor man), and maybe my tendency to explode on people has become less likely, but it's all still there. All these things, every one of them, is still below the surface, whether or not you've seen it. 

What's more, some of these things aren't necessarily "good" traits. My shyness can be a huge problem. I will avoid situations where I don't know everyone because I'm so shy. I'm not self conscious, because I am pretty comfortable with who I am, but I AM shy. I will sit silently at a lunch table with my friends and let them share beyond what I'm comfortable with myself. 

Somehow, in some way, knowing that this is who I am makes me feel better. I'm not going to change. I don't want to change. I don't suddenly want to be someone I don't know, and I want to stop acting like I am. I want to look in the mirror and see ME. I want to see my temper, I want to see my tomboyish nature, I want to see the bookworm, the prude, the goody-goody. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm ready to embrace ME 100%, and if someone doesn't like it, doesn't like me being wholly myself, then that's fine. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been friends as kids, anyway. 

Why? Because.

I love me. I love who I am. My husband loves me. My best friends love me. My family loves me. And that? 

THAT is ENOUGH.

VLOG: Accent Vlog Link-Up

Y'all.
I am a hot mess.
ENJOY.
(and please keep it nice.)

LINKING UP with Jenna's Journey. Go look at Erin's. She is the cutest girl on the planet, I'm sure of it.



Here are the rules, straight from PIPM.

Directions are as follows: 
The instructions are to say these words: 
Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught 

And answer these questions: 
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house? 
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball? 
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called? 
What do you call gym shoes? 
What do you say to address a group of people? 
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs? 
What do you call your grandparents? 
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket? 
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining? 
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?