my sahm syndrome

I'm in my last days as a StayAtHomeMom. I say this because come January, I'll be enrolled as a student at the most wonderful University on the planet. So my days are going to be busier, my Tuesdays and Thursdays (and possibly Mondays) are going to be spent in a city an hour and a half away from home.

Part of me is terrified. I know on Tuesdays Liam will have his daddy to take care of him, and on Thursdays he'll have my mom, but it still makes me nervous to be so far away from him with that much regularity. What if he's sick and needs me? What if something happens at school and I'm not able to be reached immediately? I've always had a hard time not being with Liam at all times. I was extremely possessive of him as a newborn and when anyone else would hold him and he'd cry I'd get agitated to the point where my heart would race, my palms would sweat and I could feel a panic attack coming on. It wasn't pretty, but I needed my baby and he needed me. Things have since gotten better, obviously, because Liam is becoming so much more independent, but it still makes me a little panicky to think that I'm going to be busy with something that'll take my attention away from him to such an extent.

Part of what troubles me is that I have friends who don't have children, who have jobs, and they can't see where I'm going to be busy, where going back to school is going to add any stress to my life. I had one friend ask me why it's taken me so long to get much accomplished with my current writing project since I "don't work and don't have anything to do all day." Not only does that attitude make me stabby, but I think it's a little... inconsiderate? I mean, sure with two incomes coming into a household, you can afford a new car, or a maid, or a yard service. With one income and an immense amount of student loans? I AM the maid. I AM the cook. I AM everything. And I don't mind. I don't need a maid, my mom never did, why should I (not going to lie, I'll probably be begging for a maid come February when I'm elbows deep in reading and writing assignments with housework also on my to-do list)? But contrary to what a lot of people seem to think about a SAHM, it isn't just sitting around all day.

I don't need to tell most of you that, and I'm sure a lot of you have faced similar attitudes, but I resent the attitude that SAHMs stay at home because they're lazy and don't want to work. It's an uninformed opinion, and anyone who's stayed home with a child knows that, but I don't like the judgement that comes from it. Part of what irritates me is when I tell people I'm going back to school, people immediately ask me what job I'm going to try and get with my degree when I'm done. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Or what I want to do. I don't think, unless something amazing comes along, that I'll pursue anything until Liam is in school 5 days a week. I don't want him in daycare. I want him in preschool and at home. In the grand scheme of things, the time you have with your child where they're NOT busy all the time is very short, and to me, I think it's very precious, so I want to be with him.

I feel a little off topic. The change that's coming OH SO SHORTLY has me a little intimidated as well. I have really enjoyed my time with Liam. I enjoy picking him up from school. And I'm getting down to only a couple more days left of doing that. I mean, we've got this week of school, none next week, and a couple of weeks in December. Then? I'm done. I won't take him. I won't pick him up. I won't have anyone to talk to in the car. Maybe I'm hormonal, because on any given day when people ask me what I'm most looking forward to about going back to school, I quickly reply with "the drive, I can't wait to drive in my car, by myself, with my music as loud as I want it, playing whatever I want." I know. You're judging me. But At the same time, I'm pretty sure once April rolls around, I'll be way over that.

To cut a long story short, and I could go on if you wish, I'm sad to see my every-days at home with Liam coming to an end. I'm a mommy who drops everything if her child comes up and wants to be held, or climbs into my lap for a cuddle. But, I am also thinking that my Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at home with Liam will be all the more enjoyable.

I'm not only giving up days with my son to go back to school, I'm giving up my day with my spouse. His Tuesdays off are a treat. We go out to lunch as a family a lot, we grocery shop together... I won't be here. And that kind of sucks. But. The SOONER I'm done, the SOONER I'm back with my family 24/7. So bring it on, Department of English at  the College of Liberal Arts at Texas A&M University. I'm ready.

And you better know, the epic pictures I'm going to post when I graduate will make you want to punch me in the face. You've been warned. Because Liam will be looking spiffy!