I was watching "Funny As Hell" on BBC the other day (night/early morning. whatever) and one of the comedians said something that struck a major chord with me:
"I realized that who you are as a child is who you always are. We get older and we smooth away the edges and make ourselves more palatable to society, but that's who you are."
- Roisin Conaty
Isn't that... just... yeah? The instant she said it, it really spoke to me. And of course, she turned this complete, honest truth into a funny story about how she was a creepy kid and it comes back as an adult, but truly, this statement made me feel better.
Because I feel like I've been trying hard to be more than I am? Or rather, something I'm not? It makes me feel better, almost makes me feel validated, to hear these thoughts from someone else's lips.
So, if I'm going there, let's be brutally and completely honest. THIS is me:
- I'm a nerd.
- I'm a bookworm.
- I am a goody-goody.
- I am an old soul.
- I am stubborn.
- I am combative.
- I have a massive temper.
- I am not very patient.
- I'm a bit of a prude.
- I'm nice to the point where I'm a doormat.
- I worry.
- I like being liked. It truly bothers me when people don't like me.
- I don't want to be "popular."
- I don't like people who play games.
- I don't like people who talk behind my back.
- I abhor people who put words in my mouth.
- I enjoy proving people wrong.
- I like to be the best at *something.*
- I like being a little weird.
- I enjoy it when people find things about me strange.
- I want to be different.
- I am hyper competitive.
- I pick a few good friends and don't pursue a lot of casual relationships.
- I get along better with boys than girls.
- I am painfully shy.
- I am an introvert.
- I bottle things up and don't like to share.
- I tend to explode when I've been pushed too far.
Writing those things down? Makes ME feel BETTER about ME. Because this is who I was as a child, and this is who I still am. Maybe I've developed a better grip on my temper (my husband is shaking his head, the poor man), and maybe my tendency to explode on people has become less likely, but it's all still there. All these things, every one of them, is still below the surface, whether or not you've seen it.
What's more, some of these things aren't necessarily "good" traits. My shyness can be a huge problem. I will avoid situations where I don't know everyone because I'm so shy. I'm not self conscious, because I am pretty comfortable with who I am, but I AM shy. I will sit silently at a lunch table with my friends and let them share beyond what I'm comfortable with myself.
Somehow, in some way, knowing that this is who I am makes me feel better. I'm not going to change. I don't want to change. I don't suddenly want to be someone I don't know, and I want to stop acting like I am. I want to look in the mirror and see ME. I want to see my temper, I want to see my tomboyish nature, I want to see the bookworm, the prude, the goody-goody. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm ready to embrace ME 100%, and if someone doesn't like it, doesn't like me being wholly myself, then that's fine. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been friends as kids, anyway.
Why? Because.
I love me. I love who I am. My husband loves me. My best friends love me. My family loves me. And that?
THAT is ENOUGH.
3 kind words:
You're right, I DO love you!
Yep, I love you just the way you are. And I don't think your temper is nearly as bad as it could be. But what you did not say about yourself is:
You are determined. The phrase "I can't" is not in your vocabulary. (That's different than being stubborn.)
You will finish something rather than give up.
You are loyal.
You are caring.
You are a fantastic mother.
You are willing to try new things.
You are very intelligent, as well as having common sense.
You are a traditionalist. That's why you're such a good Aggie!
You are observant.
You are creative.
You are a really cool person!!!
i love this post. and i am glad i am your friend!! ps youre mom is too sweet.
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